"Losing" my life

I know people who are struggling with way more challenges than me, that seem to have everything coming down at them at the same time and fight it off with not only a smile, but with love and patience for everyone else around them. i feel very humbled by their example and almost feel I should not complain about my challenges. At the same time we all have challenges, big or small, and we need to draw from eachothers strength or even each others trials and challenges. There is always so much we can learn from eachother. 

 I am not dying. But still I feel I am losing my life.

A few years back I was told that I have Fibromyalgia. I was also told that this would not neccesarily interfere with my life as it was. But as the years have passed, I got more and more sick, but refused to give in. I told myself that I would continue to go to work everyday until the day came that my body was not physically able to get there. That happened last August. Alsmost out of nowhere. It was as if my body and brain just decided to shut down. I had to go on sickleave, and have been since, though now only partially. I thought I would be able to recharge my batteries within a few months and get back to my life as it used to be and continue on. But...it is not that simple. These batteries of mine are apparently extremely slow to charge, and it seems they might not ever be able to charge 100% ever again.
I keep hoping my doctor is wrong, that there is something else wrong with me, something that would be easy to fix. But I am afraid he is right. And it makes me angry. 

 I don't want to be sick!

 I don't want to live each day as a kind of lottery, not knowing if the next day will be a good day or a bad day. I don't want to have to measure up the energy that I have against what I would like to do and then make a choice of whether or not I can do it or if I am willing to be sick the day after because of it. I want to be able to do what I want, both work and play. I have been pretty active the most part of my life and it was a loss when I was adviced not to work out as it was getting me sicker. I became quite distraught, but refused to give in to just giving up. I googled alot and found that a low carb diet and low Fodmap could help. Honestly I really suck at diets. Food is my comfort and my drugs. I LOVE sweets, chocholate, cakes and all kind of food. Denying myself that has never really worked. But I am so motivated to take some kind of control in my life, that I not only got started, but I am in week 7 and doing fine. I can't say that there is a big difference in my energy level, but I do feel alot better spiritually and mentally and it just feels good having some kind of control of my life.

And I am trying to come to terms that the life I have now, is challenging and different and might very well continue to be so. So instead of curling up and shutting the world out, I keep fighting to live my life as best as possible. I still have days where I really just want curl up and forget the rest of the world, but more often I have a positive attitude that life is full of fun and surprises still to be discovered and I really want to be a part of that.

I love the movie Independence Day and the days I feel like I have fight in me I feel like the president when motivating the troops:

"We will NOT go quietly into the night!"

I must admit I have been angry with God some days. This illness has reduced me in so many ways, I kinda don't feel that I am me anymore. But I know that my Heavenly Father wants me to learn, and that this is some kind of blessing in disguise. All I need to do is trust in him and find the silver lining in all this. Because i know there is one, even if I don't always see it.

I guess the message i want to convey today is that God simply loves us and that whatever comes our way, we can still feel his love and comfort. The strength in His love wipes away everything. So for moments, no matter what our hardship might be, we can feel that love and find peace. If only for a moment. And that moment keeps us moving on.